16: Erector Set Life

"Frank, now what did you do?" Nicholas was beyond frustrated with this difficult client.

He agreed to help finalize a divorce that two other lawyers had failed to settle, which should have been a clue that this wasn't going to be easy. At first he thought it was a slam dunk. Write up the agreement, get it signed and get paid. He thought his adversary would jump at the opportunity he was giving them. He wasn't asking how much money was in the bank, how much the furniture was worth. Merely half of Kat's retirement account, which is customary, and be done and it's payday for Nicholas.  Frank calls constantly asking how things are going and he's always getting himself in hot water. Now Mulva Fargo says they won't agree to signing the divorce agreement because apparently Frank signed Kat's name on refinance documents and any settlement offers are off the table until the District Attorney finds out what else he may have done.

"Nick, I didn't know what to do. I needed to re . . . uh . . .  re . . .  uh, you know get a lower payment on my mortgage on my house. I'm behind in child support, Kat, she's going to put me in jail if I don't pay up, I know her man." Frank couldn't remember the word for refinance, but Nicholas knew what he meant. "Her name is still on the house and I knew she wouldn't sign so I did it, I didn't think she would know. " Nicholas didn't actually know what to say, because Frank was right. Kat walked out of the property settlement without signing the papers turning the house over to Frank and he was in a tough spot. "Well Frank, the DA is investigating and we'll have to see what happens." Nicholas tried not to sound as concerned as he was. "Just be ready for the hearing for visitation tomorrow. I'll pick you up and 8." Nick didn't want to take the chance that Frank would forget to go to the hearing after all the phone calls about missing his kids and when can he see his kids. For God's sake it was all he talked about, Nicholas certainly wanted to get this over with. What did people see in having children anyway, it just seemed like alot of trouble and for what? Spit up, waking up all night, going to 'family' restaurants with nothing better on the menu than hamburgers and fries. Nicholas preferred a more dignified life; dinner and drinks with friends, theater, weekend adventures. He could see how at some point in your life children may be useful, like when one is getting on in years and maybe would like to have a trusted family member for powers of attorney and the like. He thought it would be nice at that time to adopt a child; but not a child at all, an adult. There would be several rounds of interviews and outings to test compatibility, and afterward an offer of adoption would be made to the best choice. They would be invited to holiday dinners, picnics, he would make himself available for birthday gatherings. He felt it was the perfect situation, but until then he would remain childless.

Nicholas picked up Frank the next morning, they drove to the courthouse with Nicholas coaching Frank on what to say and what not to say. "Remember to tell the master how much you love Eric and Frances and how you are bringing them to visit at their former home. They'll like that. Also remind them that you are current on your support payments and don't say anything negative about their mother." "Don't worry Nick, I got this, I'll be fine." Frank had his usual confidence, ' laytonacity' we call it. It's when you have confidence but nothing to back it up with.

"Well Mr. Layton, tell us why you would like to see the children." the court master started off with simple enough question. "Well, I just miss my kids, I haven't seen them and I think I should be able to, you know . . .. I want to go to my boy's soccer game." "Right, and the boy, what's his name?" the master asked a simple question.  "Uh, his name is, uh . . . it's uh, . . ." Frank is drawing a blank on Eric's name. "Eric" Nicholas offers the name, but the master is on to something. "And your daughter, her name is?" the master is on a hunt now. "My daughter, her name is, uh . . ., I know it, uh . . .." Frank is blank, even though her name is the same as his.  "Mr Layton, you are telling the court that you are worthy of visitation when you don't even know the name of your children?" the master asked a pointed question. " No, I know their names." Frank was just as confounded as the master was as to why he couldn't remember their names. "Visitation is denied until further family counseling is completed."
That was it. Just another screw-up onto the other pile of screw-ups called Frank's life. It reminded him of his old erector set when he was a kid. He tried to build the Empire State Building so many times, but one screw out of place and the whole thing would be off balance and fall apart. Except, there's a whole lot of loose screws here and there's no going back to fix them.

15: Nicholas Zinc

Nicholas went back to the dingy little office and slumped in his chair and kicked off his Ferragamo loafers. What had he gotten himself into? He just thought he would do a favor for his new office buddy, and make a quick buck while he was at it. He even agreed not to take any fees, beside the small retainer,  until the divorce was finalized since Frank had no money. He didn't even ask for interrogatories. He thought Fargo would jump at the opportunity to end this quick like he wanted to do. Interrogatories are like an inventory of assets. What is your salary, what do you own, what's everything worth. It makes it easier to divide everything equally. We weren't even going there. Just you keep what you have, we'll keep what we have and call it a day, or a marriage if you will. Now, Nicholas had to write up a brief to enforce the settlement, wait for her to answer it and find out what the legal reason was for walking out of the property settlement without signing over the old house to Frank. Then go to court and see what the judge says. This is all going to take many hours of legal time that Frank could not afford to pay. It wasn't like there was alot of work coming in though. Nicholas had only just set up his office, but so far only a few strays came. One inquiring if he could sue his landlord for kicking him out of his apartment. Another wanting to sue McDonald's because she always had varying amounts of Chicken McNuggets every time she went there. She actually kept a log of who waited on her and how many nuggets she got. Another guy wanted to sue his roommate because he was speaking to him telepathically and he asked him to stop but he wouldn't. He was actually tempted to take the next crazy lawsuit that came in just to pay some bills. The next time he decided he would ask for a two-thousand dollar retainer and see what happened.

Also, Frank was not your average client. Obviously something was going on mentally. Frank was difficult to communicate with and Nicholas was not sure that Frank always understood what he was telling him. For example, when Mulva and Kat left the room without signing all the papers, Frank knew something happened but Nicholas had to explain it to him three times before he seemed to get it. The stress of divorcing a woman with anger issues just may be getting to him. Now Nicholas had to be a doctor and diagnose his medical problems too?

Nicholas had recently been to a Continuing Legal Education seminar on "Handling Toxic People in the Workplace". A requirement of keeping one's law degree is to enroll in continuing education classes. Kat's personality fit to a tee the Passive Aggressive and Covert Anger personality described in the seminar, which actually had him quite worried. They described this type of client as a high-conflict individual who poses the greatest risk to professionals in initiating complaints and baseless litigations and engaging in protracted divorce settlements. He felt that one of his responsibilities as counsel was to bring his clients into reality. Most of the time there is no happy ending or justice for wrongs, just finality and hopefully peace at the end. Sometimes people come in with angry stories of injustices along with demands for retribution and the attorney has to be the one to bring them down and face the fact that sometimes things happen and there's nothing that can be done; there is no case. Hopefully Mulva Fargo is as anxious to end this as he is, but he had the feeling that she would prolong this as long as possible because a Passive-Aggressive client with money is money in the bank.

14: She Punts, She Scores!

If Frank was ever angry at Kat, it was now. "What did I do to her? I don't understand." Frank moaned to Dave. He just could not comprehend why she was attacking him this way. He was beside himself with worry about not seeing Frances and Eric, locked out of his house, no money, and now, no lawyer.    Dave tried to sound positive, "Frank, I've got a buddy. He hasn't done a divorce, but I already talked to him and he said he would take your case. He's going to give you a break on his fee too; a hundred an hour. You won't do any better. He's a good guy; you'll like him. His name is Nicholas Zinc. We just started sharing an office."

Frank and Dave had gone to court to fight the disqualification of Dave being Frank's attorney. They argued that while Dave knew Kat, they never discussed anything specific about divorcing Frank, ever. They knew this was just a game of one-upsmanship. Kat could get rid of Dave, who might know too much about her and her personal life and could possibly exploit that knowledge in court somehow. It was also a power trip to be able to force Frank to start over again at the beginning. Kat was the one who held all the assets, the kids, the larger house, her bank account, so it was in her best interest to slow things down so they take as long as possible. Eventually Frank would run out of money or energy and she would still be holding the house, the kids and her money.  Kat insisted that Frank hand over his paycheck to her each payday. She paid the bills with Frank's money and deposited her money into a Smith-Barney account, and there was no way she was giving any of it to Frank. As usually happens in court, the judge sided with Kat and Mulva and Dave was disqualified.

About a week later Frank met Dave and Nicholas at the Goalpost Sports Bar. A whole year had gone by from when Frank first filed for divorce and he was no closer to concluding this now than he was then. Frank walked in and saw Dave with a guy that must be Nicholas at a table in the middle of the room.   The place was really loud as most everyone was there to watch the Redskins play Tampa in the Wildcard playoffs. The game had only just started and the Redskins were already ahead by two touchdowns. Dave was talking, but Nicholas' eyes were scanning the room, looking around at the other tables. He was a slight man, a little younger than Frank, with full, wavy dark hair and a moustache. Frank approached them and Nicholas stood up to shake Frank's hand.  Dave said, "Hi Frank, how ya doin'? Let me introduce Nicholas." "Hey Nick, good to meet you." replied Frank. "It's Nicholas" Nicholas replied in a curt but polite tone, which Frank did not even notice. What he did notice is that Nicholas had the softest hands he'd ever felt in his life. "He must not change his own oil" Frank thought to himself.  Just then the waitress came over, "Okay, what'll you guys have to drink?" Frank and Dave ordered Budweiser draught and Nicholas ordered a manhattan. "Alright Frank, let's discuss what's been done on the case and what you would like to happen." Nick, I just want to see my kids, that's all I want right now." Frank explained. "I understand Frank, we'll do our best. I also noticed that your child support is a little on the top side for your salary level. That's the first thing we'll address, then we'll move on to visitation or even partial custody, property settlement, and then spousal support, I understand that your wife's salary is considerably more than your current income." Frank thought this Nick sounded pretty decent; things were looking up again.

Nicholas got right on to the case. The first thing he did was arrange the property settlement. This would give Frank a little money so he could avoid falling behind in his child support. It was decided that Kat would become sole owner of the family home and Frank would become sole owner of his old house. Kat would have to refinance and pay Frank half of the equity that they had in the house. The judge ordered, upon Mulva Fargo's suggestion, that Frank's money be put in an escrow account to be used for any judgements or child support payments.

The day of the final property settlement, they all met at a local title office to sign the papers. When Frank arrived Nicholas had all the paperwork in various piles meticulously laid out on a large round table. He wanted to make this go as smoothly as possible; everything was ready to sign and go. The sooner he got this case over with the sooner he could get paid and take care of Nicholas, and he had his eye on that brand new escrow account Frank was getting. Mulva and Kat arrived shortly. Mulva, stone faced and brisk entered the tiny room first, Kat followed in behind her, looking even larger than usual with a bulky white ruffle collared blouse beneath the black suit she always wore. She too was expressionless, but her eyes held an evil gleam that gave away her intentions like a bad poker player. Mulva was quick to say "Okay, let's get down to business here." They all sat and Mulva began examining the papers. Looking back it was clear there was a plan in place, and it was beautifully executed. Mulva picks up the papers pertaining to Kat's house and hands them to Frank to sign. Frank picks up the pen and places his large letter 'F', which stands for his signature these days, signing the house on Monroe Avenue over to Kat.  Mulva and Kat stand up and Mulva says, "Our business is concluded here." Kat quickly exits first and Mulva backs her up. Before Frank realizes what just happened Nicholas is chasing them down the hallway. "Wait, you can't do that!"

Mulva picks up the ball, punts it to Kat, she takes it in for the score. Touchdown!

13: Saved by the Bell

"Yo, Frank, it's me, Dave." Frank was on his way out the door. He was on his way to his house to confront Kat, make sure the kids were okay, find Tammy, he didn't know what else. He was blind with outrage because suddenly it became clear that Mulva and Tammy were communicating with each other behind his back, and it seemed that they were conspiring against him. Dave called just in time to stop him from getting arrested again. "Dave, I can't really talk right now. That, um, that lawyer I got, um, you know that one from the hot dog cart,  . . . she's screwing me up man. She's in on it Dave. I think she's talking to Kat's lawyer and . . . I don't know but something's going on" Frank tried to explain, but he's having trouble remembering Tammy's name. "Wait, Frank, what are you saying?" "Dave, I gotta go, I gotta go over there, I have to check on the kids." "Frank, stop. now you know you can't go there. Listen, I appealed my suspension and I got my license back. We can get her now Frank." Dave was talking about the incident of the fake anthrax powder that he mailed to the hardware store he worked at. He received a one year suspension from practicing law, but it was reduced on appeal. Frank was so relieved to hear this. It felt good to have a trusted friend on his side. "Dave, my child support, it's like a thousand dollars. I don't have it" Frank moaned.  "Look Frank, call Tammy and fire her, then we'll start over." Frank got off the phone and felt better already. He left a message for Tammy to call him.

Tammy called Frank back the next morning. "Frank, I know you want to see your children, but . . ."
"No", Frank interrupted. "I have a new lawyer, it's a friend of mine, so, uh, I'm just going to go with him." Tammy paused "Oh, but Frank, we were just getting somewhere. I was just writing up the settlement." Tammy whined in her nasal tone. " Well, my buddy Dave is going to do it, so, uh, I don't need you to do that." Frank was in a hurry to end the call. "Fine", Tammy snarled "I'll write up your bill."

Dave got to work quickly sending the court an Entry of Appearance informing the court and Mulva Fargo that he was Frank's new attorney. Dave had Tammy's file on Frank sent to his office. He discovered that she hadn't really done much of anything related to the divorce except write up the petition and try and get visitation which backfired miserably when Frank did not get visitation but became responsible for exorbitant child support payments. Dave knew he had his work cut out for him trying to renegotiate child support. The court usually looks at the highest earning years when determining the appropriate amount and that's what they did here, except in this case, the difference between the highest salary years and the curent salary are huge. It was kind of obvious that there was something wrong with Frank lately. Dave noticed that Frank just didn't quite seem himself. He just wasn't the old jovial story teller that he used to be. He seemed to always be searching for the words but they didn't come, so instead there were awkward pauses. That's something that he may need to bring up with the court and try for spousal support from Kat. It was clear to Dave that Frank was not capable of earning that old salary though.

Exactly five days after sending his Entry of Appearance, Dave received a Move to Disqualify petition from Mulva. Kat is claiming that she had a discussion about divorcing Frank with Dave and for him to represent Frank would be a conflict of interest. Unfortunately, there was probably just enough truth there to be arguable. Even though no specifics were discussed, Dave did remember Kat bringing up the subject of divorce with him one time when she was visiting Vanessa.

Dave called Frank to give him the bad news.

12: Lightbulb Moment

"Frank, your children don't want to see you" Tammy said bluntly. Frank had been calling Tammy's office almost daily wondering when he could see Eric and Frances. He had completed Anger Management classes. The instructor basically told the class that their anger is the root of their current problems and to release the anger in a healthy way would improve their situations. They should hold Frustration Management classes, that would probably be more useful; or Hostage Management classes, to teach people how to release family members that are being held hostage by family court.

Most times Tammy did not return the calls. Something had changed. Before, Tammy was always positive about getting visitation. Now, she is telling Frank that his own children don't even want to see him. Kat finally hired a lawyer. Tammy told him that she knew Kat's lawyer very well. She only practices family law; divorce and child custody and only in Delaware County, and has been for twenty-five years. Kat wouldn't rush out and do anything hasty, she took her time and found and aggressive lawyer who is also known as an insider in the courthouse. When Frank went to work at the phone store later that day he searched her name online, "Mulva Fargo".  She has a web site; Frank clicks on it. Up pops her name and picture and a few paragraphs about how she's going to handle your case, or in other words, put the screws to your husband. She's plain looking. Beige hair, beige skin, beige suit, long narrow face with small eyes slanted downward giving her a tired, strained appearance despite the smile. Frank reads on, " I have narrowed my practice to the area of family law because I believe that families are the building block of our society." That seems ironic; she specializes in breaking families apart because they are the building blocks of society. Does that make her an anarchist?

Tammy set up another hearing in Family Court to try again for visitation at Frank's insistence. Tammy and Frank arrived on time and entered an empty room. Ten minutes later in walked Mulva Fargo beside Kat who was wiping tears with a crumpled tissue. "Wow, that's a good performance." thought Frank. "Just look what can be achieved with good coaching" he watched in awe, then glanced at Tammy. Tammy and Mulva nodded at each other almost imperceptibly.  Frank caught it though. Mulva didn't quite look like her picture on the web site. It was probably taken a long time ago. She looked like an old, dried up scarecrow to Frank. Thinning, frazzled hair the color of straw, long haggard, pasty face and her body was so thin she barely filled out the discount store, pale gray polyester suit that hung loosely from her. The first time I met Mulva I noted that she's got the classic signs of an overactive thyroid. One side effect of hyperthyroidism is insomnia, which might explain how she thinks up all her devious tricks.

The hearing got underway and the Master was informed by Tammy that Frank had completed Anger Management successfully. Fargo interrupted and said that "due to the Plaintiff's anger issues the children do not wish to see their father at this time." The hearing was over almost before it even began. The Master said he needed to speak with Frances and Eric himself before deciding on any visitation.
There's another attorney fee, more time and money wasted, more time for the children to get used to not having a dad around; but worst of all, more time for Kat to work her Parental Alienation techniques on them.

Parental Alienation Syndrome is best described as brainwashing the children to hate one parent and become dependent on the other parent. The child usually lives most of the time with the alienating parent and does not have a choice but to participate in the behavior. If they don't go along they risk angering or betraying the parent that they depend on the most. In order to cope with the situation, the child will take the easiest route and take sides with the alienating parent. In severe cases, this parent will implant false ideas and stories into the child's memories by saying things like, "your father never did like you" or "your father beat you and I had to stop him." The more time the alienating parent can keep the child away, the less likely the isolated parent will ever be successful in having a relationship with the child again.

Frank got home and began ruminating over all the latest events and at the end, one thought remained; something is up with this Tammy. Frank wondered, how did Tammy know that he was going to be arrested while he was in Florida, and how would the police know to call Tammy? At that point they had only met a few times to talk about the divorce. Dave had represented him for the first PFA violation so if the police were going to call an attorney on his behalf, it would have been Dave. The other thing bothering him was that Tammy told him that Frances and Eric didn't want to see him. He didn't know how Tammy could have gotten this information before Kat's attorney sprung it on them in court. Then he remembered the look exchanged between Tammy and Mulva when they entered the courtroom, like they knew each other. Frank's heart started racing. He started pacing around the room. Did they think he was a fool? Nobody calls Frank Layton stupid without regretting it. All three of them are probably over at The Goalpost having a good laugh over a beer at how they got over on him. Wait, what if they're hurting the kids, they might be in danger. "How could I be so blind when it was right in front of my face" he was panicking and becoming more paranoid by the moment. Frank grabbed his keys and raced toward the door.

11: How to Manage Your Anger

"Hello Frank? This is Tammy Cavalier. Where are you?" "Oh, uh, hi, uh, I'm in Florida. Thought I'd spend a few days in Disney." Frank was actually enjoying the Main Street Electrical Parade when Tammy called.  "How's everything going? Am I going to see the kids soon?"
"Well, Frank, your wife just called the police. She says she saw you driving past the house."
"What? You're kidding. Tell them I wasn't there. Tell them I'm in Florida. I can show them my ticket when I get back." Frank was thrown off balance.
"Frank, there's a warrant out for your arrest." Tammy said soberly.
"You're shitting me."
"Don't worry, Frank, just come to my office when you get back and we'll go to the station. I'll call and tell them that you are coming in when you get back. We'll get it all straightened out. Try and enjoy the rest of your trip." Tammy said ironically.
"Uh, yeah, sure, I'll be home Friday."
Despite Tammy's command that Frank enjoy the next two days, Frank just couldn't. He was worried and angry. How could Kat do this to him?

Frank turned himself in to the police and was processed and released on bail. He still had to go to court and prove that he was in Florida, another expense he could ill afford. Even innocent people have to pay court costs and lawyers fees. He also had a skeptical eye from the police officer who came to court. Once an offender, always an offender, is how they felt. "Frank, you probably would like to hear some good news about now. We have a court date for your petition for visitation." Tammy said positively.

The hearing on Frank's request for visitation came quickly. It is held in Family Court in front of a lawyer who acts as a judge and is called a Master. According to Delaware County Courthouse web page, the program was "Pioneered in Delaware County and necessitated by an ever-increasing caseload, the Masters programs have been developed over the years to provide the Court with the necessary and qualified assistance to dispose of the thousands of cases which are brought before it.  Masters assist the Court by hearing cases in Child Care, Juvenile Court, Domestic Relations, Custody matters, Mental Health, Divorce and certain Criminal Matters." These Masters have crowded caseloads too and don't have much time for chit-chat.

Frank and Tammy walked into a virtual lions-den. All the cards are already stacked against fathers, but especially fathers who have Protection From Abuse orders against them and in particular fathers whom have been arrested for violating those PFAs. Kat was there too. Of course she was protesting any kind of visitation. After all, she is claiming that Frank has violent tendencies and she certainly would not want her children to visit with a violent criminal. I don't think that Frank realized that this was opening a can of worms for himself. Along with visitation comes Child Support and since Frank did not have custody, it would probably be set at the upper range of his scale.

The hearing was moving along so quickly, Frank could barely keep up with what was happening. Tammy told Frank to bring a pay stub from the Sprint Store so they could see how much money he was earning. Frank had taken a big pay cut from two and a half years ago when he was selling computers for AT&T. With bonuses and salary, Frank was bringing in close to $120,000. That was then, this is now. The only job Frank was able to find was the Sprint Store and he was barely hanging onto that. His hours had been cut back and he felt like the other employees were making all the sales. He felt like his manager was favoring fellow employees over him. In retrospect, this was probably true, as Frank's language skills had declined and he just couldn't seem to find the words he was looking for. He knew what he wanted to say, but the correct words just wouldn't come to the top of his head. He would find substitute words, but sometimes, it just didn't sound right. He would also use filler words and phrases like, "stuff like that" and "you know" more and more frequently. Frank now worked for $15 per hour, and he was lucky if he had 40 hours a week any longer. As his performance declined, so did his hours at the store.

The Master looked at Frank's pay stub. He also looked at the tax return from two years ago that Kat brought to show that Frank had previously earned four times his current salary. "Mr. Layton, just two years ago you were earning a very competitive salary. Do you think that you are capable of earning this salary again?" "Oh yeah, I can do anything. I had a great job, I traveled alot, stuff like that, I went here and did stuff, you know, talked to the people. I'm a salesman, I can do anything." Frank's old pride and  confidence was misguided here. He comes by it honestly though, he gets it from his father. I call it "Laytonacity". It's that feeling of assurance one has when they feel they can accomplish anything they  put their mind to, but they have absolutely no knowledge of the subject to back this up.  As in, "I know how to paint a 1961 Chevy Bel Air station wagon better than that body shop and for alot less money. C'mon kids, pick up a brush." or "Boys, today we're going to build you guys a play room. Siding? Why we don't need siding. We can do the plywood and the siding all in one layer with these great panelling sheets. Everybody pick up a sheet and lets get it done!"

This is not what Frank should have been saying, but Tammy's too tight spandex skirt must have cut off the circulation to her brain; she just sat there rummaging through her purse looking for gum or taking inventory of her sponges or something, and let him chatter on about what a great a provider he is. "Well, since Mr. Layton feels he is capable of earning $120,000 per year and feels that he can still provide that, I will set Child Support at $1000 per month for the children." The Defendant is protesting visitation at this time. I recommend that Mr. Layton go through Anger Management Counseling before there is any discussion of visitation."

"OK Tammy, when do I get the kids." Frank still hadn't quite realized what happened. He thought he said all the right things and did a great job speaking up about what a great provider he is. He was already planning on putting Frances and Eric back in their old rooms in his little empty house. He was looking forward to making dinner together again and going to some Sixers games, and . . .
"I'm sorry Frank, you'll need to call Family Court and make arrangements with the counselor for Anger Management first. Then we'll come back and try again. In the meantime, you'll have to make arrangements to pay your support or have it taken from your paycheck." Tammy explained to a bewildered Frank in her most professional voice. "Listen, I have another client that I have to meet, so, I mean it, if you need me, just call. Here's my card. I gotta run, but call me if you need anything." Tammy took off like a prom dress, in a hurry to scat before Frank came to his senses.

Crestfallen, Frank just sat in the drivers seat of the old Jeep and tried to comprehend what just happened.   This morning he was happy and full of hope and again it was all dashed to the ground. Only now he had bills to pay. How was he supposed to manage to pay his bills when more than half his pay was disappearing, and he still couldn't see Frances and Eric.  He examined the wad of pamphlets for Anger Management classes in the area.  It was surprising how many different classes there were. Apparently there were many angry people in Delaware County, PA.

10: Enter Attorney Number One

"Frank, man, I'd love to help, but I'm having a few problems of my own right now." Dave explained.  That was an understatement. Dave was actually suspended from practicing law for one year. This is Frank's story so I'll just say it involved the FBI, talcum powder, threatening letters, quarantines and an alleged million dollar loss of revenue at a hardware store that Dave had a beef with. Dave tried to encourage Frank by offering some help. "Call Tammy Cavalier, she advertises divorce on the hot dog cart outside the courthouse. I heard she's good. Let me know how everything goes."

The holidays were coming and Frank really wanted to get visitation privileges with his children. He took Dave's advice and made an appointment to see Tammy Cavalier. Frank told her what the problem was and Tammy was very encouraging. "Well, my office is undergoing renovation right now, so I'll have to meet you at the Roadside Diner. Ten o'clock tomorrow sound good?"

Frank arrived at the Roadside Diner on time. He ordered a coffee at the counter and sat down and waited. Fifteen minutes later, looking like she just did the walk of shame from the Pine Cone Motel, Tammy arrived. Frank watched her walk across the black and white tile floor in the wobbly ankle fashion of a woman who is wearing too big heels with too little technique. The early morning sun glistened off her sparkly polyester-blend blouse creating an almost blinding halo effect. Her overly-dyed black wavy hair was mussed like she just hugged a balloon bouquet before arriving. "Hello, you must be Frank, I'm Tammy, it's a pleasure to meet you." The smell of cologne and cigarettes wafted across the counter.  It didn't stop Frank from wondering if he should ask what she was doing later.  "Frank, I understand how difficult these things can be, but I have alot of experience in Delaware County and I'm sure we can get this all taken care of as quickly as possible." she batted her sticky, spider leg eyelashes at him sympathetically.  "Delaware County is a little different from other courthouses. We all know each other, so it's important to hire someone who has connections within the courthouse and within the legal community, and I have that.  Frank, I see that you have a PFA against you, that's pretty standard here. That's usually the first thing I do in a divorce, she just beat you to it.  We'll deal with it, it shouldn't affect the custody agreement."

Frank left with his copy of the fee agreement and a good feeling that things were looking up. He was finally going to get to visit his kids, get some of his stuff back; tools and things and that antique chair that he and Kat bought at the auction. He loved that chair and if he didn't get anything else, he wanted that chair. It almost became a symbol of everything that was taken from him and getting it back would somehow vindicate him. He would have to remember to tell Tammy to make sure he got his chair. Maybe now would be a good time to go to the Happiest Place on Earth.

Kat, Frank, Frances and Eric went to DisneyWorld a few times and they loved it. We even went with them one time. Matt and my three children are about the same ages as Frances and Eric, Frances was born right in between Blaise and Brett, and they always enjoyed hanging out with each other, so we thought this would be great fun.

Matt is a planner, not much happens by accident around here. He plans every trip out ahead of time. Every day, each hour, he knows where we'll be and how long we'll be there and where we're going next. Especially Disney. He has a plan where we are there at opening but go to the back of the park and work our way forward. Eventually the crowds catch up with us, but for a few hours we're ahead of the game. It's like a precise science to Matt to get the most pleasure out of each and every minute; even though sometimes, to me, that isn't fun. I am a little more impulsive. I  would plan less and be more spontaneous, but we probably wouldn't do as much stuff. So, I leave it all to Matt.  Kat was the planner in Frank's family. Everything went through her. Where they went, where they stayed, what airline. It was a money thing for her though. She had to maximize every dollar, I think it was her hobby. Matt called Kat to plan the trip together.  Frances answered the phone, "Hi Uncle Matt!" "Hi Frannie baby, ready for the trip?" "I'm so excited, it's going to be awesome!" she replied.  "Hey, let me speak to your mom." Frances puts the phone down and comes back a minute later, "she's not here." "Tell her to call me when she gets back so we can talk about the trip, ok Frannie?" "Ok, I will." Frances hangs up. Two days later Matt tries calling again. No answer, just an answering machine. The next night, Frances answers again. "Hey Uncle Matt." "Hey Frannie, where's your mom?" "She's here, hold on" Frances picks up the phone again. "Ummm, she said she's talking to Mema. She'll call you later." Matt tried a few more times, with no success, so he planned our trip without her. We actually stayed next door to them at the same hotel with an adjoining door. We had breakfast together the first day, then went our separate ways because Kat said they had other plans.  Once during the week we accidentally ran into them at the Animal Kingdom. They looked distressed and Frances was crying, so we went over to see what was wrong. A bird flying overhead pooped on Frances' head. It was pretty nasty. Frank and Kat were creating a scene fighting over who was going to clean her up. Frank said he couldn't take her in the men's room because she was too old, Kat refused to do it, but I don't know what her reason was. I always have a magic bag of tricks. Probably from watching Let's Make a Deal too much in my youth. If anyone needs anything, I probably have it in my purse and everyone thinks I'm brilliant. Needle and thread, bandaid and ointment, plastic monster, an entire pharmacy; it's in my purse. I pulled out my baby wipes and tried as best I could to clean Frances up. She looked up at me with big moist eyes filled with such gratitude, I was just so happy that we happened upon them. I was about to take her to the ladies room when Frank said he would take her. I guess it was out of guilt, but Kat just stood there stubbornly. I wish I could have been there for Frances more often, because I think she needed someone. 

As we were checking out of the hotel, Kat came over and whispered to me "I'm sorry Susie, but I tried to plan things with Matt, but he just wouldn't cooperate; I don't know why." I went blank for a minute, trying to figure out her angle. I knew she was lying and I thought she probably knew that I knew she was lying. So what was this about? I figured it was her usual angle of trying to pit people against each other or just trying to have a flat out argument.  I have her figured out. I know the way to frustrate Kat the most is to not react to her at all.  I played dumb and just said, "Hmmm, I'll have to talk to him" and walked away from her.

Frank went to Disney for a few days by himself to get away from the stress. He said it made him feel a little better. He probably had better company too.

9: I'll Give You Five Hundred Dollars for a Hard Boiled Egg

"Yo, Frank, don't worry, I got this. I'll get it all taken care of." Dave Brennan came to visit Frank at George W. Hill Correctional Facility where he was being held pending arraignment. "What did I tell you? That bitch was up to something. Frank, we gotta get her. I told you man, I told you. You want your house back? You want your kids back? Damn right you do. Who the fuck does she think she is? You pay all the bills, she took all the stuff, and she's got that guy in there. I'll tell you what that is, that's called marital infidelity. You know what that means? That means she gets nothing and we get everything. We got her Frank, we got her . . .  and I got pictures. You won't believe the pictures I got. I went over there and took some more too. That old guy mowing your lawn, driving your wife to the store, living in there with your kids. He might be one of them perverts too, who knows?  She thinks she's so slick with the PFA bullshit. You know Frank, I didn't want to be the one to tell you, but word is that your fuckin' bed wasn't even cold when Kat moved that guy in. Who the hell is that guy anyway? Where'd he come from; looks like her freakin' father if you ask me. Don't worry we got her Frank."

At the arraignment the judge can recommend bail or send the person to jail until the hearing. They decided that Frank wasn't violent so he posted bail and was on his way. Frank tried to get his life back into some kind of routine until the court date.

The courtroom where the hearing was held is a big room with a giant desk on a five foot platform in the front.  There are about twenty rows of benches on each side of the room with a big aisle in the middle. It looks like a church, which is appropriate because I'm sure that there's alot of praying going on in there. They call your name and if you are out on bail you're sitting in one of the benches.  You come forward, meet your lawyer at the judges desk and the DA tells the judge what his recommendations are for sentencing.  Then your lawyer tries to negotiate a better deal. The judge approves and then it's over. It reminds me a little of the TV show Let's Make a Deal.  "OK Jay, who's going to play today?"  "Well Monty, here we have Frank.  He's a 43 year old man, he's underemployed, his wife threw him out because he's no good, and now she says he's lurking around the house."  "Well Frank, I'm glad you're here; and I'm sure society is too; hahahah." (cue laugh track)  I can offer you a $500 fine for the PFA violation, a $500 fine for the DUI, community service and driver's training classes. How does that sound?"  "Can I trade that for a hard boiled egg?"

8: Wake Up Call

Frank probably would have been content to live in this limbo for a long time. He wasn't a husband and father any longer, but he wasn't divorced yet either. There was still hope that Bill would have an accident or something. Maybe he would fall down the stairs or slip in the tub. Weren't old people always doing that stuff?

It was Saturday and Frank's day off from the phone store. He was having a little picnic in his car and listening to the Phillies game on the radio down the street from the house. He was enjoying the last few bites of his Wawa hoagie and his third Bud when he saw Kat's Cadillac STS coming up the street. He saw Eric in the back seat too. They must be coming from his soccer game, he looked rumpled and sweaty. Hmmm, wonder if Eric is practicing his passing. Eric loved dribbling the ball and shooting for the goal all by himself. He thought he was the whole team. Frank and Eric had been working with the coach on passing too, even though Eric didn't think he needed to do that. "But Dad! Why do I have to pass it, when they're just going to miss the goal? Fine, if you really want us to lose . . ."

Frank wasn't really thinking things through here; if he could see them, they could probably see him too. He actually almost waved. Kind of like a half-mast wave when you're not sure if the other person is going to wave back so you just do it half-way so you don't look like a weirdo waving at nobody.   That is until they locked eyes. Kat looked at Frank like a wolf locks eyes with it's prey. He was sitting there just part of the herd a minute ago, but now he was the prey and it was his wake-up call. Frank realized that he probably shouldn't hang around and see what happens next. He started up the engine of his old red Wrangler and hightailed it out of there. Maybe he could make it back to the house and he would just say, "Nope, wasn't me, I was here all afternoon watching The Great Escape, officer." He made his way out of the neighborhood and pulled out onto the pike toward Upper Darby. The more he thought about what he had done, the more panicked he became; he sped up a bit. He knew Kat too. She didn't let him get away with anything. "Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit." Frank was a tough guy and didn't back down from much, but there was one thing he didn't like at all, cops. They seemed to have a sixth sense for guys like him. Like in the movie, They Live starring Rowdy Roddy Piper, except Frank is the alien and the cops always have their glasses on. Even when he wasn't doing anything at all, he would get nervous and sweaty when there was an officer about and suddenly he looked like he was up to something. He was never the guy who got the brim touch and "nice day." He would get the laser beam look like they wanted to ask him to show his ID.

I wonder if cops practice their looks like supermodel Derek Zoolander played by Ben Stiller. He had four faces, Blue Steel, Ferrari, LeTigre, and his secret weapon, not to be used casually for it was too potent, Magnum. I think they use Blue Steel for everyday routine stops, maybe LeTigre on a pretty girl, Ferrari during a chase and they save Magnum for Frank.

He got about a mile down the pike when he heard them coming for him. There were two cars with sirens blazing. Delaware County Police don't take too kindly to men who violate their Protection From Abuse orders. The children and womenfolk need to be protected from guys like this. Frank made his way to the shoulder before they even got behind him. One car pulled up behind and the other one got in front, just in case he panicked and made a run for it. Unfortunately, Frank never cleaned his car out from the last few nights beer cans in the back seat. That was the first thing they saw. "Sir, could you please step out of the car?"

"Sir, are you aware that your wife has taken out a Protection From Abuse Order against you?" "Umm, I think so." "Sir, were you at your wife's house today?" "Uhhh, uhh . . ." "Sir, can you tell me what you were doing there?" "Uhh, just, uhhh"  "Sir, do you realize that it is considered a crime to come in contact with your wife?" "Uhmm."  "Sir, do you like the term repetitive redundancies?" "Ummm"  "Sir, are you aware of I before E except after C?" "Uh, yeah"  "Sir, gorp murf floop with you?"  What the hell? Their words stopped making sense about five minutes ago.  "Sir, have you had anything to drink today?" "Uh just a, just a, umm . . . beer."  "Sir, can you step over here and I want you to take nine steps heel to toe, then turn and do the same thing coming back."  "I'm sorry, I'm going to have to arrest you for suspicion of DUI and for violating the PFA that your wife has."

Frank was handcuffed and placed in the back of the first car. "Sir, would you like to call anyone?" "Uh, yeah, uh . . . Dave uh Brennan."

7: It Helps to Think We're Sleeping Underneath the Same Big Sky

Once Frank had gone back to his home the first time, it was like a drug.  He couldn't stay away. He soon needed his fix every day. He was emboldened because nothing had happened yet. No one noticed him watching the house or driving by several times a day, not yet anyway. He kind of got into a routine. Get off work at 9:00, drive by the house to make sure the coast was clear. Drive by again to make double sure the coast was clear. Park down the street and walk by and try and see in the windows. Sometimes he would stop by the Shamrock Pub first and get a couple cold six-packs of Bud to keep him company while he watched. The warm yellow light coming from the windows made him feel somehow closer to the kids; they were both being illuminated by the same light. It reminded him of one of Frances' favorite movies when she was little. They watched An American Tale probably a hundred times. It's a story about a little mouse named Fievel who gets separated from his parents and lost but they never stop looking for each other. There's a touching part where little Fievel sings the song "Somewhere Out There". Frank wonders if Frances is thinking about Fievel too. He wasn't normally a praying man, but he found himself looking up at the moon and saying a prayer that they would find one another in that big somewhere out there.

Somewhere Out There
written by James Horner, Barry Mann, Cynthia Weil


Somewhere out there beneath the pale moonlight
Someone's thinking of me and loving me tonight


Somewhere out there someone's saying a prayer
That we'll find one another in that big somewhere out there.


And even though I know how very far apart we are
It helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star


And when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby
It helps to think we're sleeping underneath the same big sky


Somewhere out there if love can see us through
Then we'll be together somewhere out there
Out where dreams come true.