2: The Divorce Begins along with FTD Symptoms

It wasn't long before we all got together and Frank filled us in on what we had missed. Terry was conflicted. She wanted to see him, but her life was finally her own. She had moved to a retirement community and was having the time of her life. Between the dinner club, playing cards, the garden committee and traveling, she had no time for the Frank drama club. She agreed to open her door for a meeting, but she was not about to offer much more than that.

Frank looked like a lost puppy. Something was missing. He looked beaten down. The spark in his eye was missing along with some chunk of personality. We all knew something was different about him, but we couldn't put a finger on it yet.

Frank said that Kat seemed restless. She wasn't coming home after work. He would pick up the kids from Kat's mom after work and go home and make dinner. Kat would come home later and say she had dinner and drinks with the girls from work. One day she suggested that they take up ballroom dancing. Frank never considered himself a dancer, but he was an athlete, so maybe he could make it work. He had played football from age eight all the way up through college. His competitive sensibilities kicked in and he decided that he would make Kat proud. 

There was an older gentleman at dance practice that Kat seemed to click with. His name was Bill and he reminded Kat of her father. He was friendly; much older than they were, and he could dance very well.  Kat began dancing competitively with Bill as her partner, instead of Frank. They even began taking weekend trips for far away competitions. No matter how hard he tried, Frank could not remember the steps for the dances and it was becoming frustrating for both of them, so he stepped aside letting Bill take over as Kat's partner. Symptoms of Frontotemporal Dementia were setting in already.

Still, Frank, Kat and the kids were very excited for their upcoming cruise vacation with a ballroom dance theme. The cruise would be a great way to have some good family fun even though Frank would not be Kat's dance partner. One day, about two weeks before the cruise, Kat pulled Franks aside and said that she needed to speak to him. She explained that Bill was going to accompany her and the children on the cruise and she did not want him to go. Frank was shattered. He had been feeling the marriage weaken and felt powerless to do anything about it.  He was also not himself lately. Instead of his usual "I can do anything" Frank attitude, he napped often and sat by himself in the attic loft. More symptoms of Frontotemporal Dementia were setting in. They say the victim of the disease is the last one to know they have it. We got a phone call from Kat a few years after this and she tried to explain her reason for throwing him out. She said he got angry more often and would take it out on the vacuum cleaner, of all the weird things. She said he threw the vacuum down the stairs a few times and they were afraid of this new behavior.  He watched his family leave without him on the vacation he had been so looking forward to.

This latest heartbreak came just a year after losing his dream job. Frank was always a salesman. He spent his early career selling cars. Then trying to impress Kat and her mother, he landed a sales job with AT&T. He was full of confidence and felt he could do anything he put his mind to. With this job he traveled, made valuable connections, and received promotions and awards. Trips to exciting locations were offered for a job well done. He was proud of himself and happy to provide his family with the kind of life they dreamed of.

Sadly, his branch of the company ceased to exist and so went his job. He never saw that salary again either. Along with the loss of the job came loss of self-esteem, loss of Kat's respect and especially her mother's. Every chance she got, Mrs. Green told Kat that Frank wasn't good enough for her. Even in good times, Mrs. Green told Kat that she never should have married Frank. But now, when he was at his lowest he had ever been, Mrs. Green continued the pressure on Frank and Kat, stressing that he was no good and that no one cared about him, even his own family. About now, Frank wished he hadn't tried to please Kat by denouncing his family for her, because Mrs. Green was right. No one cared about him any longer and he really needed the support of that family that he threw away.

The end of their relationship came after the cruise ended. Obviously, Kat and Bill bonded over the fabulous vacation spent with Frank's children. Even Frances, their daughter, said to him, "Dad, when are you going to get a clue? Mom is cheating." It was no secret to any of them that Kat was done with Frank and the only thing left was to somehow get him out of the house so Bill could move in. Being married for fifteen years, she knew how to get a reaction out of him. One day while making dinner together, she manufactured an argument, made it explosive by getting him to shout at her, then ran at him with her hands up. Frank's instinct was to put his hands up to protect himself and Kat bounced off his hands and fell to the floor. The next day he was served with a Protection From Abuse order by the police. He could only gather a few things before he left his house and his family for the last time, never realizing that he would never return.

Entry 1: Before FTD Symptoms

"Mom, I want to apologize for what I said. Ummm . . . Kat and I broke up. I was lead down the wrong path; I'm really sorry." That was the message left on my mother-in-law Terry's answering machine while she was having a fun, carefree day at the clubhouse with her friends.

It is June 2005. Frank and Kat had always had a tumultous relationship, but in the good days we had alot of fun together. Frank is my husband Matt's brother and Kat is his twin of a wife.  They're both loud, funny and known to exaggerate the truth to make a story better, they both even have the same body type, linebacker. That was Frank's position on his high school and college football team.  Another thing about them, they love drama; or more like they crave drama. Once they were on their way to our house for dinner and they had a fight in the car. Frank got so angry that he picked up Kat's pie and threw it right out of the car window while he was driving.  Kat refused to come without it and made him turn the car around, so they just never showed up. It's kind of a funny story now, but Matt and I were peeved at the time. These and other erratic behaviors to come, I am convinced, are a result of multiple concussions received over many years. The effect of these brain traumas will become more and more pronounced through the years resulting in Frank's loss of his job, his family, his freedom, and ultimately his life.

Terry came home and expected a message from Matt or from the girls about card night. Not Frank. We hadn't heard from Frank or Kat in about three years. One day, around Thanksgiving 2002, out of the blue, for no reason we knew, Frank called Terry and said "I just want you to know that you are no longer my mother and I never want to speak to you again."

We had given up on having a good relationship with them. The fun times did not make up for the drama they brought to the family. We just decided to drop them from our social circle. No more invitations to the kid's birthdays or Christmas parties and things like that. There was no fight, but we didn't call them and they didn't call us again. It was better that way. We did not know what to make of this dramatic pronouncement though. We thought it had something to do with Kat and her puppetmaster mother. As incredulous and shocked and disappointed as we all were, we decided to stay out of it and not call or get involved. After Terry's anger wore off, she said she was actually happy. Frank was a holy terror from a very young age. Of all four boys, he always demanded and required the most attention. Terry said she always felt a little bit guilty that the other boys never got the same attention that Frank got. There was always trouble, but he had those smiling Irish eyes and charming dimples and she just couldn't stay mad at him. If I were making this movie I would pick one of the Baldwin brothers to play him. Not Alec though. Probably the one that was in "Dumb and Dumber".

Frank called again, when Terry was home this time and they spoke. He tried to explain what had happened, and she tried to understand, but deep down, Terry wished he had never come back. We knew he was only coming back because he had no where else to go. But I feel that family is always there for you, no matter what.  I just didn't know how far we would have to go to defend Frank at the time and how involved my family would need to become.